Married to a Narcissist? Learn the 9 Key traits to the narcissist
Married to a Narcissist? Learn the 9 key traits to the disturbing and dangerous narcissist personality disorder.
Oh how easy life would be if all Narcissists were Dudley Do Right. If you are Married to a Narcissist You must learn the 9 key traits and then you must make an exit quickly or run the risk of losing your mind, heart and soul.
Unfortunately social media paints a portrait of the Narcissist as Sexy. Enter Stage Left: Fifty Shades of Grey, Universal Studios. For a more in-depth discussion on the potential hazards of this film please check out Journal of Women’s Health Study here.
I run the risk of dating myself back farther than necessary with this Dudley reference but I hope, because of its popularity, everyone will know who Dudley Do Right and Nell are and in fact Rocky and Bullwinkle too!
I know I had my many, many years of playing the supporting role of ‘prairie-chic-garbed Nell Fenwick to my Narcissist. But my rendition was Not a self-flagellating, gingham wearing, helpless, often clueless – ‘Oh here I find myself tied up on the train-tracks again” Codependent. No! My rendition of Codependent-Nell would have been injecting Dudley with Vitamin B12 shots, ensuring with certainty that any and all of his needs were met, single-handedly making sure to design and decorate the ‘Mcmansion’ like it’s on the cover of Frontgate, raise two exemplary mini-versions of Kate Middleton, volunteer, start a business, whip up gourmet meals on the fly all while attempting to remain a size four with a witty sense of humor and the vocabulary of a Bill Moyers PBS special. Oh! And I forgot… attend graduate school. All the while never giving the ‘dark’ person a single thing to fret about, or think about or even be involved with outside of his own, self-aggrandizing habits and hobbies.
So anyhoo – After my emotional breakdown, when I was finally so numb and exhausted I was able to extract my head out of its tightly vised iron-maiden helmet of agony, it became abundantly clear why I could barely string three words together. Fortunately – I had hit such a low point in my existence that there truly was nowhere else to go but up. Even if it meant finally admitting that ‘this is all so terribly wrong.’
Had my Narcissist, and I do mean the Malignant kind, been the ‘yellow-haired, falsetto-toned blustering nimrod that stared at himself in a mirror all day blowing kisses’ version of Dudley – then maybe I would have clued in quicker.
Alas, my narcissist was a white-collar, brash, extroverted, unedited, cocky, booze-guzzling, misogynistic, fast-talking salesman with a penchant for ‘white’ lies, avoiding responsibility or even abiding by the law. Sound familiar? In other words a complete Jackass. Why wasn’t I able to see what was so clear? Well… that is for another post on ‘how far into denial can one person really venture?’ I promise to post this soon!
When you are married to a Narcissist you should expect complete and utter dysfunction. That is why if you are Married to a Narcissist you mustlearn the 9 key traits. Unfortunately, too many women, like me, are sucked in to the narcissistic vortex before we have been educated on the dangers of this personality disorder.
The 9 Key Traits of the Narcissist – a dangerous, manipulating predator
1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self importance that isn’t supported by reality. One of perhaps the two-hundred examples in my own narcissistic circus that speaks to this is the fact that in the 28 years of knowing my Narcky he never once stood in line to purchase a movie ticket. We, along with 10% of Newport Beach would go see a movie at the Big Cinema across the street from Fashion Island. This was back in our ‘courting’ days and the lines were notoriously long… because people were ‘waiting in line.’ But not Narcky. I refused to walk to the front of the line and felt morbidly embarrassed when he did with no compunction. I would just say ‘go on in and get seats if you want but I have to wait back here with all the rest of the other humans.’ This never seemed to bother Narcky and he would just get the tickets, bring mine back to me at the end of the line and waltz into the theater completely oblivious. What was it about me that I didn’t run like hell when I experienced this embarrassment? (I will explain why in another post)
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, power, beauty or love. A narcissist lives more in a convoluted world of fantasy than in reality where both successes and recognized failures exist. My Narcissist never experienced any failures. If there was a failure – It Was My Fault.
3. A narcissist believes they are very special or unique or is only understood by other special people. He/she will view themselves as more special than others, whether it be more accomplished, more charismatic, more giving, more long suffering, more insightful, even more ethical. My Narcissist just plain thought he was more entitled. He simply had no empathy or ability to control his fictional fear of ‘scarce resources’, by which I mean, he had to have more and he had to have it first. He Always had to have More Than Enough!
4. An intense need for admiration. When in conversation, he/she can’t listen attentively and will bring the conversation back around to him/her. It is a common complaint by partners of a Narcissist that the one thing they have in common with their Narcissist partner is that they both love him/her. It is common in fact for a narcissist to have almost no understanding of what you are saying because… They aren’t Listening (unless you are talking specifically about Narcky and then you have their full attention.)
Oh My God! This aspect was so exhausting. Eventually it became demoralizing because the narcissist will have you thinking you are completely F&%#ed-Up if you are not standing on your head and applauding with your feet because they managed to do any simple task – such as ‘I found the Remote’ at which time I would cue in the trumpets and minstrels and we would all stand in awe of this magnificent feat.
5. A delusional sense of entitlement. A strong belief that rules, regulations and normal standards don’t apply to them. Often if the work, commitment or event is not 100% about the Narcissist, they have no interest. Again, I have hundreds of examples. An incredibly basic example was I was told by Narcky that attending parent-teacher conferences or attending PTA meeting was below him and in ‘my wheel house’ because I was the Girl. Oh by the way, my narcissist is a card carrying misogynist and whether you are two years old or 84, you shall be referred to as a Girl. (Creepy)
6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt and remorse. Narcissists are “users” who may manipulate situations such that others end up doing all the work (the Narcissist often gets the glory), they have no compunction about swindling or conniving. This often results in the loss of employment or money by the one being exploited. They will also promise things that they never deliver on. My Narcissist is a salesman. Need I say more? Taking advantage of others with no remorse is in his DNA. Photo on left from Universal Studios Fifty Shades of Grey I have entitled ‘You See Nothing, You Hear Nothing so You Know Nothing.’
- An absence of meaningful empathy for others. This is almost a universal trait with all Narcissists. Narcissists are enamored with their own grandiose fantasy life. There is no room for others or their feelings or well being.
In the courting stage, he/she will make sure to ‘cover-up’ this transgression. Narcissists Are Not Stupid! They possess a heightened sense of what they have to do to lure you in for the kill. But after the honeymoon stage is completed, partners of Narcissists feel completely unsupported and not understood. This is when the Gaslighting often begins. Ditto Number 6 above.
8. A tendency to be envious and jealous. A narcissist will be very envious and jealous, but often remain silent about it. They will seethe secretly if others have more. The problem is if you live with Narcky you will be the brunt of their anger. Conversly, the narcissist will expect that they are the object of others envy and this is often expressed as contempt, disdain and belittling. I’m sure this sounds familiar to you. Were you ever belittled or held in contempt by your narcissist? Are you attempting to heal from this abuse or/and other forms of abuse? My Narcissist is a walking text-book on Envy. I have nick-named him Mr. Wanna-Be. I swear to God he would have sold me and the children if someone offered him VIP Super Bowl Tickets in exchange.
9. An arrogant attitude. A narcissist needs a steady stream of adoration, like a drug this adoration works like a self-esteem ‘fix’. They only feel good when they are being adored. They are judgmental and condescending toward anyone who does not measure up to their standards and this is a never ending battle as narcissists are very often perfectionists. Although the entire world was open to his ridicule, I was my Narcissists favorite target for arrogance. His never ending tirade of ‘Oh why don’t you just go try and save some more whales and dolphins little Miss Goody-Two Shoes’ was commonplace.
Now, my children and I do our share of volunteering etc. But I don’t want to give you the impression that I really was out on Green-Peace boats saving whales and dolphins. This was just his snarky remark whenever I suggested we do something ‘normal’ like pay taxes.
What I hope to leave you with is this very important lesson from Brene Brown ‘You Are Not the Jackass Whisperer.’ Narcissists are Jackasses – accept it, move away from it without hesitating, heal and Thrive!
Contact me to learn the Ins and Outs of getting out, Keying-In™ and living your real life.